Female Led Relationships – A Man’s Insight and Advice

The following is a deeply thoughtful and inspiring response to Carrie who is seeking help with her female led relationship as posted earlier on Spanking Life:

Can You Help Carrie With Her Female Led Relationship? – True Story

Not only does the author respond to Carrie’s situation, his words contain insight, encouragement and advice born from personal experience greatly helpful for both the man and woman considering a female led relationship.

Thank you for sharing Carrie. I am in a long term relationship with my girlfriend of 10 years and we recently began a female led relationship (FLR). It has honestly not gone smooth all of the time but I can tell you for sure that we are in a better place today than a year ago.

I want to address the elephant in the room right away: Your man is controlling the FLR – this means you don’t have one. You have a roleplay agreement that is performed when ‘he’ wants it. Obviously this is not good and will not be successful. I can only speak for myself but I wanted to share our brief journey in the hopes that it may help you with yours.

When my girlfriend and I decided to look into an FLR, we did alot of reading and shared links with each other. That inital exploration in and of itself was intoxicating for both of us. If however, as the female in the relationship, you do not get some satisfaction or internal excitement over the idea of leading your man, then an FLR is not for you. We probably spent a good two months researching, posing questions and situations to each other to understand how the other felt about it: How do I address her? Will we wear something as a sign? Will it be our secret? etc…

Once we got through the basics, we drafted our contract – our formalized agreement. It is not legally binding but it is written as a legal document. It covers dominion as to who is the boss, praise, punishment and even techniques. We had a signing ceremony where I verbally read the contract to her. Rule #1, you are the boss. She stopped me, “Say that again.” I repeated, “You are the boss.”  She made me repeat this powerful statement of formal recognition several times. Doing that was an intense experience. As we went through the contract, she would have me repeat things for emphasis. After we signed the contract, we made love.

The very first thing she did was put me in chastity. This was difficult for me because I love to masturbate but we both knew it was getting in the way of our sex life and my attentiveness to her. Honestly, I hated wearing this cage every day. She would only let me out for sex, then right back in. It was uncomfortable at first and very difficult not being able to pleasure myself. But over the course of a couple months, I got used to it and found my attentiveness toward my girlfriend noticeably improved. And guess what? Her attentiveness to me was returned in spades. I am still in full time chastity and get released usually once a week or so. Love making has never been so good.

The harder part of an FLR is discipline. After 10 years of a ‘normal’ relationship where we would argue and then ignore each other – which didn’t work at all – my girlfriend was now obligated to punish me when I failed to live up to our FLR agreement. She failed miserably in the beginning letting me get away with an attitude, not doing chores and all sorts of stuff. It made our relationship stale quickly and I was no longer taking our agreement seriously. I was still in chastity but now I was mad I had to endure this when she was not living up to her end. We had a long talk about it and she agreed to do better.

The next week I was rude to her in front of one of her friends. She took me in the house immediately and scolded me. I was made to stand in a corner and she lectured me for 10 minutes about my behavior. When she got done, she made me stay there an additional 15 minutes. When she came back shhe asked, “Do you know why you were made to stand in the corner?” I explained I knew why and I apologized. We hugged and it was forgotten. Over the course of the next few weeks, lectures became her go-to punishment for me. And she was quite stern with them.

Last month, she added spanking to the list.  As soon as an infraction happened, I was told to get into the bedroom and ‘assume the position’. Pants down, palms on the bed with my bare bottom out. I was lectured then punished thoroughly with a strap. I was lectured again and made to stand in the corner.

It’s been about six months since we started our FLR. All I can tell you is you MUST be firm. He wants this from you otherwise he would have never asked to be part of an FLR agreement. I don’t care to get spanked and humiliated but guess what? I promised my girlfriend I would obey her. I signed a contract with her. And I am reminded almost daily that she is the boss. Ironically it is those times that when I resist her dominance that I get the most out of our FLR. Why? Because her punishment is swift and generally pretty intense. Trust me, a stern lecture will really get your point across. If he rolls his eyes, you put him in the corner or give him the belt. It takes a little time but in a few months, you will be amazed at how attentive and loving he is.

Make a contract and sign it. Remind him of his place constantly – reinforce your authority with an open display of your agreement.  Do no let him dictate a single thing.  A female led relationship will only work when both parties participate. You need to assert your natural dominance over him regularly.

Addendum – For Males Considering a Female Led Relationship

I feel it necessary to clarify what I mean by a “normal relationship” as opposed to a female led relationship. The word “normal” does not mean balanced or even working, it means a relationship with the typical struggles and victories every relationship deals with – good and bad. And to clarify further, I was not a “sub” to my girlfriend but there was clearly a pecking order. She typically took control of decisions and got her way more often than not. I think that is an important distinction when discussing a female led relationship. Because at it’s root, that is the reality: She leads, I follow – and, I listen. If the concept of that feels uncomfortable to you (the male) or you see yourself as the alpha in your relationship, then an FLR would not be a good fit.

If your woman tends to lead, likes to get her way, is occasionally indignant of your successes, an FLR could see amazing results. Look, I get the notion that giving up control to your woman is tantamount to ‘losing’ for some men. I felt that to a degree. But some people want control and when they don’t have it, everyone pays for it. And I was paying for it. Instead of constantly trying to fight her authority (the authority she wants), I decided stop and see how things would be when she had complete authority. Guess what? It’s more loving today than ever.

But you have this “bizarre” agreement now that allows her to punish and lecture you now. Surprise! She did before. The lectures were not structured, they were little bitch sessions here and there about this and that. The punishments were her ignoring me and denying me love. Neither were effective and it was a thousand times worse than being sent to the corner or being lectured in a very stern and direct way about a very specific topic. And here is the big bonus: You will find it erotic and so will she. My girlfriend gets both turned on and very satisfied knowing I have to sit there while she lectures me. She gets to vent and then I generally get lots of loving afterwards. That’s not part of our contract. She just feels very empowered and close to me after she gives me a good talking to and she desires to make up through sex – this truly a win-win arrangement.

So when I speak about being in a normal relationship for 10 years, I am talking to those who are not BDSM lifestylers or swingers. I’m talking to the average Joe and his wife or girlfriend that have a bit of a pecking order in an otherwise troubled relationship. Try a female led relationship, you might be surprised at how well it works for you.

What He Wants - His Spanking Desires
  • Yes, many women find that disciplining their partner is erotic. When my girlfriend spanks me, she gets her panties damp and at the same time she is able to punish me for being a naughty boy. A win-win situation!

  • “You will find it erotic and so will she.” Exactly! I find it very erotic when my girlfriend tells me what to do in a strict voice. She clearly enjoys it too. When she has spanked me, I sometimes find it painful to sit down. I don’t like the pain, but I do like the reminder that I have been disciplined in the way appropriate for a boyish adult male – by having my bottom soundly spanked.

  • I very much agree with what the poster says about there being punishments in “normal” relationships which take the form of withdrawal of affection. My partner is not in the best of health at present and is often somewhat irritable and does not want to talk. I know this is not her fault, but I would much prefer it if she would tell me to bend over and then spank my bare bottom so hard that I couldn’t sit down for the rest of the day.

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